my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
