I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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