I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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