Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
