Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
