Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
