Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
