you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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