you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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