sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
