apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
