The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
