My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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