hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
