8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
