How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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