i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
