just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
