If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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