I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
