wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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