Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
