I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
