Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
