Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
