people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
