i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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