I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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