I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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