omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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