i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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