I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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