I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
