dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
