I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
