I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
