That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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