If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
