I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well you can't waste a boner
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
