Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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