I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
