i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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