I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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