tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
