mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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