Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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