Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
