i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
