I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
