Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
